I know I fail....

I know I fail....
Places that upheld my confidence have been stormed.
      You alone are my fortress...
I need you to sustain me
     to give me life, to provide
I can't do it! 
     I am nothing!
To live for your glory is my desire
     But every day I am stained.
You clean me repeatedly. 
     Your Grace is amazing.
I find joy in knowing you more,
    in seeing you and your works.
How marvelous you are!
When thinking about what you've done in my life,
     I can't help but be amazed!
Every day I wish to bring you glory,
     to see more of you.
Your love is fulfilling,
    like nothing else.
No food, no drink,
     no warmth, no comfort,
     no excitement, no accomplishment.

I Cried Today....

Yup, and I'll admit it. It wasn't because I was laughing too hard either. So it's the first time I've actually cried in a long time. I'm not a crying person. I was always the strong one. Everyone told me they were impressed by how strong I was when I had a foster sister, when my dad was in the hospital, and when my family fell apart. I hardly ever cried, and when I did it was usually out of sheer anger (and lots of it!).

Tonight was different. I was riding home from college and was pretty torn-up about things that have been on my mind for awhile. (If you wanna know contact me somehow, but I don't wanna burden the unsuspecting reader.) On my ride I had a long talk with God. Literally. Outloud. It was great. I had never talked to God like this; it was so open and raw!

And then I cried; I wasn't mad, I wasn't sad. There was no regular reason for me to cry. Why I cried was because I was deeply moved in spirit. I had let go completely to my God and was completely vulnerable for once in my life. Through my tears I continued my talk with God, realizing how earnest this prayer experience was. I realized how blessed I am, how great God is, and the peace He brings!

Afterward I sang "Jesus Paid It All" and it took on a completely new degree of reality. Then I just quietly enjoyed the peace of God and His tranquility. His love is so great for us!!

What We Can Learn From Trees

Trees seem simple to us. Silent. Large. Never moving, yet beautiful. Their leaves change colors, a display of God's perfect plan. We can see God's glory in the trees.

What do the trees have to do to bring glory to God? Just exist, honestly. Or is it more than that?

Trees are God's wonderful creation. He loves them. I think they know that. They don't have to worry or work, but God provides for them.

A tree's total reliance on God is an awesome way they bring God glory. They rely on God to bring them water and sun. Imagine if trees had legs and didn't rely on God. They would try to meet their needs on their own. I imagine the legged tree chasing after the sunset, to no prevail, never getting closer, because it doesn't trust God that after the dark night He will be faithful and bring the sunrise.


So what is it that we can learn from trees? I think we should learn to mirror their complete reliance on God. They never worry and never try to do things on their own apart from God. Even when their needs aren't being met, they just wait until God provides (and He always does).

Our God is faithful! I have decided to rely on Him like the trees do and to bring Him glory!

Confessions and Prayers (in poem form)

Lately I've thought a lot about what I should be doing for God and how I should be living my life. I couldn't come up with any straight-forward answers. All I knew was that I felt like I should be doing so much more. God is so great and has done SO much for me. What am I doing for Him? I know that He is my one Passion. Nothing else is driving me anymore. It's different from anything I've ever known, but what am I doing about it?

I watched "Letters To God" today. That combined with my recent reading Matthew 13:44-46 really spoke to me. I highly recommend reading those (found below) and watching the movie--it's on Netflix instant streaming. The result? The following poem; I'm not a poet, but it's straight from my heart.

God, You are awesome,
     don't let me forget it.
At times I get mad for what you've done for me,
     show me how You used it for Your glory.
Sometimes I feel like You don't care,
     teach me to listen.
I'm scared of what I do not understand,
     hold me close to You.
I don't know what plans to make,
     make them for me.
I don't know what to say,
     speak through me.
There are days when I feel alone,
     show me You are there.
I'm lost on how to glorify You the most,
     take control of me.
I always hold on to my selfish, sinful desires,
     make me grasp onto You instead.
I feel useless,
     show me what You've done, and what You will do.
I'm confused on how to live for You,
     live in me.
I don't have the courage,
     lend me your strength.
I'm unmotivated,
     flood me in Your all-consuming fire.
I'm down-hearted,
     remind me of what is to come.
I surrender all I am and all I have,
     take it and don't let me look back.

Matthew 13:44-46

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

The kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

The Key to Happiness

What is it?

Relationships.

It's that basic. I would say "simple", but relationships are rarely simple. They are, in fact, basic and occur all across nature.

I've never realized that relationships really were the key. If you're reading this and disagreeing and thinking to yourself how you'd rather do your own thing and in general keep to yourself and avoid people--I was there too. I was perfectly content with choosing video games and animals over people. I'm sure you find relationships somewhere: with animals, on the internet, in video games (with others, or your own virtual alter ego), or in stories you write/read. I'm telling you from experience: you are only running from personal relationships to put them in impersonal areas. Regardless, relationship is involved.

Lately I've really noticed the importance of relationship. This has been over many years and many different areas.

Relationship is why I preferred one Bible study over another. One I had bonded with my members, but the other I didn't feel like I belonged and couldn't relate with the other girls.

My positive relationship with the President of an organization is why I agreed to be Secretary. However, now I don't have relationships with the new officer team. I don't feel included. I'm not happy there. I don't enjoy it anymore. Why? A lack of relationship.

My roommate prefers Nebraska to New Jersey. Why? The relationships with people here, even complete strangers.

I had always loved horses. Mostly because I could ride them and get thrills, but now I notice there is much more. The relationship is what gives me true joy in horses.

The relationships you build with your floormates/roommates is what builds a positive living environment there. A lack of relationship will lead to a disappointing and dreary environment.

Job satisfaction is highly influenced by relationships with coworkers and superiors.

Everyone wants to feel like they are a part of something. Everyone wants a meaningful relationship. Many people are dreaming about their future spouse. Your friends and family are probably some of the highest priorities in your life.

God designed relationship. God IS relationship in its very purest form! God desires relationship with us, not just a list of rules. Jesus displayed this. He built faith by creating relationships with his disciples and planned for them to do the same.

We learn through relationships. We make decisions based on relationships. We will measure our happiness at the end of our lives by the relationships we have built.

Now I've realized the true importance of relationships. I'm striving to make deeper and more meaningful relationships. I hope you see the value of relationships and how God created them as the ultimate way for his creation to interact with the world and Himself.

Dear Zeke,

I miss you. I was going to come see you this weekend, but I can’t because of the football game. I hope you are eating well and enjoying some fresh grass while it’s still yummy. I’m sorry I can’t be there to make your life interesting and I’m sorry I can’t spend as much time with you as you deserve.

I miss you more than you can believe! I miss having our partnership. Knowing that you’re always there and we can always get through stuff together and challenge each other. I miss how you’d teach me lessons about life and God. I miss how you’d always listen and make me feel better. I don’t have anyone in college that can be a partner like you. No one to share my thoughts with. No one to grow with. No one to learn from and teach simultaneously. No one to just hang-out together enjoying just being by each other.  No one to face challenges together.

I spent this weekend in the mountains. It was so pretty. The trails made me wish I was riding you. The carriage house made me just want to be around you. There were a lot of awesome people there. They’re amazing. But I haven’t bonded with them in a deep way like you. I miss our bond. I’m glad it’ll still be there despite the time and distance. It’s just hard now, not having it.

I rode another horse today. Don’t be mad, it didn’t mean anything. His name is Mike. He was black, and he made me miss you. He’s not really like you at all though. None of them have personality like you. None of them want to smell my face like you. None of them want to do exactly what I want. None of them can read my mind like you do.

I can’t wait to see you again. I’ve really grown to appreciate our bond. It really is unlike any other. You have no need to be jealous (even though I know you are the jealous type) because I don’t have a bond anywhere close to ours here in college. This is why you are my best friend.

I’ll be counting down the days until I get to see you again! Remember that you are my partner, but you belong to God! I named you Zeke because it means “God gives me strength” and I want you to live it out! Remember your life verse Philippians 4:13. Together we’ll glorify God!

Thanks for being my favorite boy and my best friend!

Love,

Your Rider, Your Partner for Life, Your Predator, Your Leader

Mak

~I Timothy 4:12~

My Broken Heart: A Call to Labor

I see thousands of people every day,

        just passing by,

        but my heart breaks.

They keep on living,

        slipping by, searching.

Not knowing what they need,

        not knowing they are prized.

So many dear ones that God loves,

        He calls them His children.

Yet they aren’t following Him,

        they don’t love Him.

Do they even know how much He loves them?

        How could they know?

No one is showing them God’s love,

        no one is loving them like Jesus does.

Who will help them experience God’s love?

I pray that God will use me,

        to be an envelope of His love,

        to act out His love by serving,

        to hold their hands

        and tell them they are beautiful children

        with a Father who loves them

        more than they can imagine.

There are so many.

        Can I do it alone?

I pray that God will send laborers

        to work alongside me,

        to love through action like Jesus,

        and teach them to do the same.

Will you answer the call?

        Be a laborer?

        Show them they are loved?

        Help heal my heart that breaks for them?

I pray that you will.

Upside Down

In the last 4 weeks God has completely shaken my world. And I've said it before, but this time it was truly different. He jumbled up everything I had known, and my entire sense of reality. I still haven't sorted things out, and I have this inkling that I won't for some time. All I know is that now He is completely in control.

Looking back I can see how the chain of events has meshed together to come to this perfect conclusion of disarray. It started Week 5 of camp which was the most trying and reality blowing week of my life. Then moving on to the final week of camp where I really started questioning what God wanted me to do and whether I should even be considering going about in the way the world says I ought to.

In the next two weeks after camp, my thoughts continued to race. I was trying to make sense of all that God was laying on my heart. Even more, I was trying to figure out what God wanted me to DO about all of it. I could see how everything was becoming more meaningless as my sense of reality still continued to slip away. Possessions became things that were just lying around. Passions became like meaningless jokes. I told this to a friend, and got asked if I was depressed. I wasn't, but my view of the world had just been altered.

When at home after camp I decided to use my large blocks of free time to grow even closer to Jesus, searching for answers and direction. I was reading The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. It further was pushing me toward my view of how little value is in the world and that there was much more for me still. Then I began utilizing my book The Fuel and The Flame (ten keys to ignite your college campus for Jesus Christ) by Steve Shadrach to prepare me for the upcoming year. This book has gotten me to analyze myself and my life and has overall been amazing! It also is giving me more direction of what I need to be doing with my life.

I guess through all of my recent studying and time with Jesus I've been able to figure out more of what is important in life and a kinda general direction He wants me to take. I'm kinda scared, but super excited. It's just really weird feeling everything I've known and valued get flipped upside down. However, it still feels right since all of it is being flipped upside down so that the most important thing (Jesus Christ) can stand right side up.

My last snippet from my mind: And through it all I've gained this intense desire to share what Jesus is doing in my life--hence this post. I love it and can't wait to use it to witness to others later!

Please feel free to comment anything you would like :) I'd love to hear from you!

"Do you want to come with me?"

After a long day of packing, cleaning, moving out, AND taking a final; I had finally made it back home to officially begin my summer break. I saw my dad finishing up the lawn work, so as I drove by I rolled down my window to talk to him. He was getting ready to take the freshly mowed grass clippings to the dump and he asked, "Do you want to come with me?"

At that moment a lot of things went through my head. My mom was waiting for me to get home so we could do something together. My dad could really use my help since he's old, out of shape, and his health hasn't been the greatest for awhile. Another one of my thoughts was about Jesus.

There are many occurrences where Jesus asks people to follow Him, and to follow Him they have to leave what they are doing. So that's what I did. I went with my dad. Having a vague idea of what I was getting myself into, but not really knowing for sure.

The blown out tire

It wasn't long before surprise #1 surfaced. We weren't going to our town's dump, but the one 15 minutes away. This was bearable, but it showed even more what I was giving up when I committed to going with him. After a few miles surprise #2. Bang! One of the trailer tires blew out. Finally we make it to the dump... and in comes surprise #3: the wheel bearing for the other wheel is gone. Lovely.

So, as my dad stands in disbelief staring at the trailer wondering what to do, I spend the next 30 minutes raking out an entire trailer full of grass. It had to be at least half a ton of grass. Finally, it's complete and we start on our way home, pulling a trailer over 15 miles with a blown tire and a loose wheel. The entire way back I was to look for the wheel cap that must have fallen off. By the grace of God I saw it on the road and we got it back!

This whole experience involved a lot of learning for me. It showed me more of what dropping everything and following Jesus means. (Oh, my mom and I didn't do anything fun because of all this!) I knew I made the right decision and I'm glad I chose to go with my dad--even if I didn't like the circumstances or everything I had to go through. It was hard at times, and very tiring. I didn't really enjoy it (ok, maybe a little at first). However, there was something rewarding about serving my dad and being able to just spend time with him. And now I realize that's what it's like when we follow Jesus. We may not like it, it may suck, but serving him and having a relationship with him definitely outweighs it!